July "Why I deserve this contest has begun!!

"Why is deserve this" Because:

Well at one AM the dog next door started barking and woke me up and I could hear someone whistling very loudly from the back garden! So went down stairs opened the window and yup again with the loud whistling so I open the door to see what was going on , it sounded like it was coming from my neighbors garden, then I heard it again but this time from the front of the house so I went out the front but it happened again from the back.

OK I thought someone is messing with my mind, so I opened the back door and shouted “give it a rest “. By now its 1.45 so made myself a drink to calm me down and it happened again, by this time the wife had come downstairs and was upset!
We both agreed it was coming from my neighbor’s house so at 2.15 I phoned him and told him to cut it out! (The whistle happened again) He said he could’t hear any thing so I replied 'you must be deaf' ! At that point he heard it then suggested we go out and have a look for the comedian !
I said *7^!:* it I’m going back to bed!”

At 7 in the morning we were discussing the noise when it %#(^&!@ happed again!

At this time the boy came downstairs [he’d slept through the lot]
I said listen... the noise happed again to which the little lad said “OHH that’s my phone I must have a text, now where did I leave it” and walked into the front room!!!

Why I deserve this is because I witnessed something jaw dropping over the weekend. I went to a club with a beautiful woman who has a parrot. To make a long story short, she took the parrot with us to the club and we started dancing. Whilst dancing the parrot was on the woman's shoulder bumping to the beat as well. After two songs the dance floor cleared and the woman and I were the only ones dancing as the rest of the club looked on in amazement. Well all of the sudden the parrot starts singing "the roof, the roof is on fire we don't need no water let the Mother Farker burn," and sure enough the rest of the club joined in the lyrics.

Needless to say we were the life of the party! So, we went back to her house for the rest of the night. When we woke up, we went to church and you guessed it, so did the parrot. My lady friend sings in the choir and believe it or not the parrot joined in as well. Welp after 3-4 songs the congregation really was feeling the spirit and all of the sudden the parrot starts singing "the roof, the roof is on fire we don't need no water let the Mother Farker burn.:shock: My lady friend commences to tell the parrot that he can't do that in church and the parrot questions her saying why not these are the same Mother Farks that was at the club last night?

So, I need the chipotles to help my lady friend discipline her parrot wiith something hot when it cusses inappropriately.:twisted:

"Why is deserve this" Because:

If my wife ever finds out that I told you farkers this she will....well, I don't want to find out.:roll:

The best birth control in the world is an unnoticed small dog that jumped
up on the bed during "the heat of the moment" and inserted it's cold, wet nose
where "the sun don't shine" just before the "point of no return"!!:shock::evil:

I need these peppers so I can start eating them and maybe the area "where the sun don't shine"
will have an aroma that is not agreeable with my dogs nose!:roll:

"Why is deserve this" Because:

I am new here and yet still willing to share the story of how I learned that poo tastes bad.

I was on the back porch grilling up some steaks and playing ball with my Rottweiler. We were playing fetch and also tug of war with the ball...since it was only half full of air.

I lifted the lid to the grill and was turning the steaks 45 degrees for those grill marks I am a sucker for when my dog came up slinging the ball back and forth after fetching it.

I grab the ball, throw it again and finish turning the steaks and then close the grill.

Well...to speed this baby up...the steaks were ready after a nice rest and I get on..along with all the fixins and start to cut into it and take a nice big bite.

As soon as it hit my lips I knew something was not right. I use the same recipe everytime for steaks and they always taste the same...but this time it was awful. Like burned..well...I didn't know what it was.

So I take the time to inspect the steak and see something weird crusted on it. So out to the grill I head to check out the grate. There I see it...fresh poo!

Yup..the ball I threw must have landed in a pile..he brought it back and flung poo on my steak.

There ya have it..and BTW..I don't suggest using it as a rub!


So as you see, i need this to get that awful taste out of mouth!

Twenty-five years, that's how long I've had this bad taste in my mouth...

I think I deserve to win this contest to finally relieve the torture of one my worst memories. It all started way back when I was young, about 25 or so. I was a young stud of a bartender back then in Reno, NV. One busy night, we were patronized by one of Texas' finest cowgirls. She was tall. broad shouldered and proud, not a skinny little waif at all but beautiful to say the least. She was the perfect picture of blond hair, blue eyes, deep tan and smile to light up the night. Well, she decided that she should teach everyone in Reno how to do shots of "ta-killya" and set out to do so by demonstrating her method repeatedly. After a couple hours of these lessons, one can only imagine how drunk she was. The owner told me to ask her to leave. Well when I did so, she put up a bit of an arguement but then decided that if I would give her a kiss, she would be go home happy. After trying a few other ways to convince her that she needed to go sleep it off somewheres, I relented and agreed to the kiss. I mean, shoot, she was gorgeous and if she hadn't been so drunk I would have killed my sister to kiss this woman. Anyway, she starts to kissing me and along about the time she gets her tongue halfway down my throat and starts tickling my tonsils, I start to gag on the taste and texture of that ultra large pinch of Wintergreen Skoal that she was sucking on!!! I've never even considered kissing another Texan since... Maybe by using these fine peppers that are being offered, I can finally rid my mouth of the awful memories of that horrible night.

sampson said:

Twenty-five years, that's how long I've had this bad taste in my mouth...

I think I deserve to win this contest to finally relieve the torture of one my worst memories. It all started way back when I was young, about 25 or so. I was a young stud of a bartender back then in Reno, NV. One busy night, we were patronized by one of Texas' finest cowgirls. She was tall. broad shouldered and proud, not a skinny little waif at all but beautiful to say the least. She was the perfect picture of blond hair, blue eyes, deep tan and smile to light up the night. Well, she decided that she should teach everyone in Reno how to do shots of "ta-killya" and set out to do so by demonstrating her method repeatedly. After a couple hours of these lessons, one can only imagine how drunk she was. The owner told me to ask her to leave. Well when I did so, she put up a bit of an arguement but then decided that if I would give her a kiss, she would be go home happy. After trying a few other ways to convince her that she needed to go sleep it off somewheres, I relented and agreed to the kiss. I mean, shoot, she was gorgeous and if she hadn't been so drunk I would have killed my sister to kiss this woman. Anyway, she starts to kissing me and along about the time she gets her tongue halfway down my throat and starts tickling my tonsils, I start to gag on the taste and texture of that ultra large pinch of Wintergreen Skoal that she was sucking on!!! I've never even considered kissing another Texan since... Maybe by using these fine peppers that are being offered, I can finally rid my mouth of the awful memories of that horrible night.

Click to expand...

I don't know.... I mean, does anyone else question whether "she" was a man, or not?:icon_blush::?:
I'm wondering...

She was all woman, just one of those ones that most likely is wearing the pants in the house... (wouldn't have told the story if there had been any question in this regard:shock I've told the story before and had some Texas guys tell me that they had women at home that chewed and that it didn't bother them...keeps their breath fresh!

Wow Sampson - that one actually made me gag....

This is some pretty potent stuff. Half a teaspoon to a pot of beans goes a long way. And I don't recomend putting your sniffer in the jar, unless you want to clean your lungs out.:shock:

Why I deserve this...

Actually, Sampson has my vote so far... I just thought I'd share the funniest thing I ever witnessed:

Years ago I worked at a Marsh Supermarket in Anderson, IN in the produce dept. On busy days I'd get called up to the front to help out with sacking; this was in the days before bar coding and scanners. Well, this one day a gentleman came into the store to purchase some personal hygeine items for either his wife or girlfriend and it was obvious he was very embarrassed out it. To his absolute horror, when he got to the checkout the price sticker was missing from the box and the cashier called over the intercom for a price check on a box of Tampax. Well, the stock boy in the back misunderstood the cashier. He thought she said thumb tacks instead of Tampax; so he answered across the PA: "Is that the kind you push in with your fingers or hammer in?" You could hear laughter throughout the store! True Story!

okeydokey...
"Why is deserve this" Because
http://www.bbq-brethren.com/forum/showthread.php?t=45401

I was gonna suggest that N8

Paul

Why I deserve this...

I deserve this because:
When I bought my first car as a teenager I did a few dumb things that alot of teenagers do. One of the dumber (is that a word?) things I did was attempt to replace something on top of the motor. I thought I was a smart kid I was going to save a ton of money by doing it myself . So one Saturday my Dad and I park the truck behind all the other cars in the driveway and proceed to take the whosamawhatchit out. Unfortunately while doing so we broke off a bolt in the head and rendered my truck without power. Oh isn't that nice we blocked in all the other cars. After some discussion about how stupid we both felt we decided that I would steer and he would push as the driveway has a little slope. As I jumped into the truck my dad gave it a shove before I got situated in the truck and got the key turned to unlock the steering, so here I was rolling backwards with a locked steering wheel half in the truck. OH CRAP I WAS ROLLING BACKWARDS WITH A LOCKED STEERING WHEEL NOT REALLY IN THE TRUCK!!! At this point I got the bright Idea to hop out of the truck and try to stop it by pushing on the door (apparently the part of my brain that recognized Cars have brakes was broken at the time). Needless to say I was unable to stop the truck and it rolled backwards until the door caught on a tree and was ripped off. The actual cost of having the part put in was something like 100 bucks.

So here is the mastercard version of the story

whosamawhatchit........................................................................65.00
New Door for 86 toyota 4x4...........................................................150.00
The look on my dads face as the door fell to the ground.....................Priceless

Craig if I could see that photo of your dad, you would get my vote right now!! LOL

Why I deserve this...

Well the other night I got home from work @ 3:30 in the morning and I pull in the drive way and there is Big Red (my wheeling truck) and my first love when it comes to trucks with four flat tires and looks like some one has taken a base ball bat to her and just beat the he!! out of her. Now I am pissed I mean you can mess with all my stuff but you had to go and mess with my truck!!!!!!!! Then under Big Red is my smoker that some one ran over with my truck I was like what the hec now I am pissed hurt and almost in tears my 2 favorite things in live laying there in pieces. Who would do this to me my truck and my smoker I mean I really love to wheel and to cook. So now I am really pissed off so I walk up to the house and try to unlock my door to the house and my key wont fit I am like what the ……. then I see a note on the door its from my wife and this is what it said:

“As you can see your crap is in the drive way and the junk yard is coming to get it tomorrow and your clothes are in a pile of burning ash in the back yard so next time you want to go wheeling or go smoke any thing your going to have to do it a lone. O and one more thing my lawyer will be calling you.”

So now I set here in my 2 room shack driving a broke down geo metro that I couldn’t get laid in if my life depended on it. So I need to add some spice back to my life and what better way then some crushed chipotles.

Wow, I would vote for youif you were in this one CornFed!