Everytime my mom has a family get together I'm the one who is asked to grill - Fine by me, here husband is a 'tard (more on that later) and my BIL is a decent enough cook, but he doesn't do much of it, and usually just burgers & dogs.
What really kills me is that my mom's plan always seems to be "we'll just do watever's in the freezer that needs to be eaten" The last time we did this, she turns over a pile of 1/2 thawed meat that is supposed to be ready to eat in about an hour... There were lamb chops (I'd never cooked 'em before), pork chops, bone in - skin on chicken breasts, crappy top sirloin steaks, brats and some hamburger meat (not patties).
I was so hacked off! "Mom! don't you understand that you only have room for about 1/3 of this stuff on the grill at a time and EVERYTHING cooks to a different temp and for different times??
It was a mess... not only was the gasser on the small side, but was a cheap one too so I was cooking over the firey pits of Hades in some parts and growing ice cubes in others!
--Cut to Mom's husband-- He's 23 years YOUNGER than she is, that's about 5 years younger than me. Lets get this out of the way - No, she is not rich or extremely hot and No, he is not rich or extremely hot... seems like everyone always needs to know the answers to those questions.
So while I'm prepping the mound of frozen meat, I ask my BIL to check out the grill and get it preheating. About 10 min later I can see through the window that he and mom's husband have had a conversation and now the look on his face shows that he's perplexed and probably ready to have an anurism.
I wash off my hands and walk out there and ask what's going on.
He opens the lid and points to a lower grate below the cooking grate (it's about 3/4" above the flames) and says "He told me that when he has alot of stuff to cook, he uses that grate to put more food on, that way he has twice as much space."
My eyes crossed, my head started to hurt, I too was going to have an anurism.
BIL smiles and says "Oh no, it gets better, trust me." He turns and points to a pile of
ceramic briquettes stacked on the table off to the side of the grill. "He says he usually doesn't use those"
"Why??!!" I ask. "oh, he says that he can't hardly keep them lit unless he soaks them in lighter fluid for a long time, other wise he has to keep putting more on them during the cook..." OMG.
"WHAT????!!!!" Big grin is all I get from the BIL.
That was it. The anurism was gone, eyes uncrossed, my pulse slowed to a steady beat... a calming peace washed over me.
It was one of those times where your brain gets so overloaded, stumped with a problem that has no answer, that if you react in the way that would be seen as natural, you die. I mean your brain would litterally stop giving out commands to breath, pump blood, keep your bowels from loosing, ...that sort of thing. Our brains have a safety valve, and fortunately for me, my saftey valve releases inner peace.
We started putting the ceramic briquettes on the lower grate, hoping we could get it done before he returned. Of course not, about 1/2 way through putting them in place he returns and asks why we're putting them in. "oh, you know, I just find that they help distribute the heat better and reduce the hot spots so that everything cooks more evenly."
And he starts in telling me about doubling his cooking space and lighter fluid... "hang on" I say, "I need another beer".
All in all the food turned out alright, although about 45min later than planned. The lamb was pretty good too!
Da' End.
