Dumb friends that want to cook like you?

[RemoGaggi]

Just a little venting here, but just wondering if you've got good friends that are completely clueless as to smoking/grilling, that want to produce great food like you, but never listen to any advice/tips you give them nor do they work at learning.

One of my best friends is a licensed civil engineer. I've known him since we were in high school (33 years). He wants to cook brisket and ribs like me. Last year he buys himself a 14" Smokey Mountain. He used it maybe twice last year (summer 2016) and each time he calls me asking me how to light the charcoal. Yesterday, he texts me asking if the vents need to be opened or closed when lighting. Really? I should have told him "closed" and let him fumble around it until he figured it out. But I went over the starting procedure again, like a good friend would.

He calls me this afternoon at 1pm, all excited about just buying a brisket and he's going home to smoke it. I asked him how big is the brisket and he says 5#. (Turns out he bought just a flat). He keeps asking me how long and what temp to cook at and I swear I've told him (and all my friends) that its difficult to cook brisket to a certain temp, every piece of meat is different, etc. They never listen and its frustrating to repeat myself about basic techniques. They all want treat the meat, whether it's ribs or brisket, like a meatloaf that they can bake for an hour.

I tell my friend that it's already 1pm (he's not even home from the store yet) and that he really needed to start the meat earlier and give it time to rest. But, nope, he insists that it will be done by dinner. He texts me at 1:30pm that it's in the smoker. I told him good luck with that. At least he got the fire started....

[LYU370]

Any updates from your friend? :becky:

[Joshw]

Sounds like you are lucky. I had a friend call me a couple of months ago, wanting me to tell him how to make mashed potatoes.

[Beentown]

Send them to Amazingribs.com to read. Lol

Sent from my SM-G950U using Tapatalk

[MisterChrister]

OhMyFriggunGoodness!!! This is my dear friend Matt! I love him to death, but I want to strangle him when he calls/texts several times a year, asking the SAME. FARKING. QUESTIONS. EVERY. SINGLE. TIME!!!! You literally had me ROLLING with sympathetic laughter from this thread! I read the thread title to my wife, and she exclaimed "MATT"!!!

EDIT TO ADD; Matt in Madison, not Sauk! Fantomlord is a BBQ Jedi!

[pjtexas1]

My friends know better than trying to smoke anything.

Sent from my SM-G955U using Tapatalk

[TonyT]

Think Beentown is on the right track. If he's an engineer send him to a site (maybe one with graphs and charts lol) that he can read and reference. Then he can ask you the questions that the site doesn't answer.

[EdLo]

Well, at least he respects your knowledge. Tell him each time he calls he is charged a sixer of your favorite brew!!! Consulting Fee!!!!!

[TonyT]

And if he decided not to listen, please have him take pics along the way for my enjoyment... I mean his education :laugh:

Then he'll take it seriously, read up/listen and make a brisket he can be real proud of

[electron_si]

I was just at a birthday party and they were serving “brisket” that looked like bbq sauce soup and “pulled pork” that looked like wet cat food.

[blazinfire]

Any updates from your friend? :becky:

Wonder if he made it by dinner? :thumb:

[Bacchus2b]

Most of my friends want to cook like me, but they are unwilling to put in the time or effort needed. I let them cook their one brisket or rack of ribs every year and take a polite bite, but just one!

[electron_si]

I usually lose people when they are at our house eating dinner and I tell them I was up at 3 am to put the brisket on that they are eating.

Usually that’s enough to turn people away

[mikemci]

I have a nephew like that. He asks me how to cook something, then he tells me how HE is going to do it. Yet, he says he's asking because he really likes the way mine comes out. ?????

[RemoGaggi]

Any updates from your friend? :becky:

It's 5:46pm and he just called me asking how to probe the meat for tenderness, again! I tell him to use the thermometer. Then he asks how does he probe without removing the lid. OY VEY!

[ronbrad62]

Just send him to YouTube. It will save you the aggravation and he may actually pay attention to the videos, especially when they are all pretty much the same procedure.

[RemoGaggi]

Now he just texted, "What do you do with the smoker when u pull the meat?". Again, OY VEY!

[patrickd26]

He's an engineer. Help help him out because I promise you that's what he would do for you!

[LYU370]

Now he just texted, "What do you do with the smoker when u pull the meat?". Again, OY VEY!
You need to throw it out and buy a new one each time. Doesn't he know that?!?!? :crazy:

[wihint]

You need to throw it out and buy a new one each time. Doesn't he know that?!?!? :crazy:

LOL That is just uncalled for but funny as hell. I too work with people who are so mis-informed.

They are friends for a reason.... have patience brother.

[JDM46]

4 yaers ago, I koudn't eaven speel unginerr. Now I are one.:becky:

[RemoGaggi]

You guys are too funny. It's been a OVER A YEAR since he's had the WSM. On top of that, he is 51 years old, not some teenager. I can understand not knowing the how to successfully smoke a brisket, but there is absolutely no reason a 51 year old man does not know how if the vents are to be open or closed when starting charcoal and what to do after the cook is done. If he ask me again, I'm going over there and taking the WSM from him.

[Kanco Connection]

Thank your for this post, Remo. At first, I was a little salty with you, “Hey give your bro a break.” But the more I read, the more sympathetic I became. And I ended up laughing out loud. My wife came in and asked what was so funny. I got to share it with her since she knows I’ve been there before! Great post. I empathize, my bro.

[kwas68]

I made my friend a UDS, gave him advice and pointed him to amazingribs.com as a valuable resource. He was asking about pork butts and I told him my overnight method of putting it on at midnight and foiling at 6am. This would give him 5+ hours of uninterrupted sleep and pork ready by midday that could be served at lunch or dinner. I find this to be quite manageable.

The next time I saw him, I asked him how his cook went. He said it was done early. Then he went on to tell me that he just foiled it from the start as he didn’t want to be bothered. “ I never get up before 8am on the weekends.” Should have used his wife’s crockpot! He was happy with the results, though.

[Garyclaw]

You guys are too funny. It's been a OVER A YEAR since he's had the WSM. On top of that, he is 51 years old, not some teenager. I can understand not knowing the how to successfully smoke a brisket, but there is absolutely no reason a 51 year old man does not know how if the vents are to be open or closed when starting charcoal and what to do after the cook is done. If he ask me again, I'm going over there and taking the WSM from him.


Tough Love, Brother.:thumb:

[Mikhail]

Everything is easy if you know how. Not so much if you don't.

His experience reminds me of my first attempts at smoking 20 years ago... disaster!!! Then I started reading up on it. And I found online resources like here. I learned how much time is involved and about fire control. And the number one virtue in smoking - patience.

[cholloway]

This involves a bit of common sense also.
I have a neighbor who could be this guy's twin.

[Mikhail]

It's 5:46pm and he just called me asking how to probe the meat for tenderness, again! I tell him to use the thermometer. Then he asks how does he probe without removing the lid. OY VEY!

You should make up some elaborate voodoo ritual involving chicken bones, funny hats and the throwing of dice. Have his wife video it.

[BillN]

This is why I don't have friends...:razz: Seriously though I have not had this problem my friends have always been content to let me do the cooking. Even in college I would get invited to dinner to find that dinner would be ready once I had cooked the ingredients that had been purchased, I didn't mind cause I always like cooking.

A few years back a friend of mines wife was out of town for a couple of days he calls me up and asked me if I like ham sandwiches and if I knew how to make one. I answered yes to both questions then he asked I could come over and make us both a ham sandwich. Apparently his wife left the ingredients but had failed to pre-slice the ham and leave instruction on how to assemble said sandwich...:rolleyes: Thank goodness she left all his other meals in microwave safe dishes with explicit instructions on what to do. What makes this relevant is he was a civilian project engineer for 30 years with the Navy in charge of Refueling and Overhaul of nuclear powered carriers.

[mikemci]

That's funny!! An engineer and he can't build a ham sandwich. LMAO!!!

[LYU370]

A few years back a friend of mines wife was out of town for a couple of days he calls me up and asked me if I like ham sandwiches and if I knew how to make one. I answered yes to both questions then he asked I could come over and make us both a ham sandwich. Apparently his wife left the ingredients but had failed to pre-slice the ham and leave instruction on how to assemble said sandwich...:rolleyes:

https://i.imgur.com/uBlsqIQ.jpg

[Nuco59]

After she moved out "on her own", my daughter called my wife one time asking "how long do you boil hot dogs?". YOU can cook but there's a ton of folk who can't even follow instructions on the box of Kraft macaroni and cheese.

[Happy Hapgood]

Actually, I've been on both sides of that coin but I tried to listen and learn and found this site. Some of the young guns I try to pass knowledge to want to argue with me after 37 years in the HVAC business. That's OK. I just let them find out the hard way after that.

I have a new Son in law who just got a WSM and he thinks it should be as easy to make a brisket that taste like mine as running a microwave. Hopefully he will learn.

PS: He too is an engineer. :tsk:

[RemoGaggi]

Thanks Everyone for your stories and understanding. I got some good laughs from some of your responses. I didn't hear back from my friend last night after he asked what to do with the smoker after he pulled the meat, nor did he text me any pictures. But, he did try to call me today. I didn't pick up the phone cause I was still annoyed with him. Haha.

[Happy Hapgood]

Thanks Everyone for your stories and understanding. I got some good laughs from some of your responses. I didn't hear back from my friend last night after he asked what to do with the smoker after he pulled the meat, nor did he text me any pictures. But, he did try to call me today. I didn't pick up the phone cause I was still annoyed with him. Haha.

Yep, get ready to hear a sob sorry. I know I hear them. :doh:

[Jason TQ]

I actually have the opposite where I have smart friends and I give them dumb advise :becky:! Not sure why they listen to me.........or pretend to be my friend...........:crazy:

My buddy stopped by a few days before Thanksgiving to borrow one of my Hunsakers. Told him how to load it and said adjust the vents a little to get around 300 and chuck the turkey on and take it off when its done.

Told him to message me with questions the day of if needed, but the only time he did was sending me a pick of the color about half way through to see if I thought it was time to put some foil over it so it didn't get dark.

Was his first time using the smoker and maybe only the 2nd he's really smoked anything.....other than watching me do it other times. This were the pics he sent me.
https://i.imgur.com/oSqfR2ml.jpg
https://i.imgur.com/MdDaNR8l.jpg
https://i.imgur.com/rtuBelql.jpg
https://i.imgur.com/DozSBQjl.jpg
https://i.imgur.com/8Yy7e1nl.jpg

[ssv3]

I actually have the opposite where I have smart friends and I give them dumb advise :becky:! Not sure why they listen to me.........or pretend to be my friend...........:crazy:

My buddy stopped by a few days before Thanksgiving to borrow one of my Hunsakers. Told him how to load it and said adjust the vents a little to get around 300 and chuck the turkey on and take it off when its done.

Told him to message me with questions the day of if needed, but the only time he did was sending me a pick of the color about half way through to see if I thought it was time to put some foil over it so it didn't get dark.

Was his first time using the smoker and maybe only the 2nd he's really smoked anything.....other than watching me do it other times. This were the pics he sent me.


This is the case of "It's not cook. It's the cooker" :becky:

[The Wookiee]

This is a fantastic post and I too laughed my rump roast off... ive found that pointing newbies to pellet grills mitigates most of the questions except what cut what temp and how long... they will find there way to charcoal or sticks after that if they really get interested in the end product... and a couple of them have gotten really nice pellet grills for me to ooggle-envy over.

[RemoGaggi]

Yep, get ready to hear a sob sorry. I know I hear them. :doh:

I talked to my friend yesterday and he didn't say anything about how the brisket flat came out. Today, he told me that it didn't turn out too good and that he won't be trying that again. He told me that he had trouble at the beginning because he didn't have any newspaper for the chimney starter and that he then had trouble keeping the fire going after awhile.

The funny thing is that when he got the WSM, I knew he would have trouble with it because he's so impatient. Shortly after he got the WSM, I found a Junior Traeger on CL that I picked up for $70. I offered to give it to him and told him it would be easier for him to use, but he put his nose up in the air and said his sister has a Traeger and thinks she's all that, and he was turned off by the thought of having a Traeger.

Oh well. I cleaned up the Junior Traeger and sold it for $200.

[Steve S]

As an engineer who works with other engineers, I appreciate the difficulty you had. Cooking is an art that many left brained types have trouble with. Smoking adds in the variation of too many temperature and time combinations for some to grasp.

[pork_butt]

OMG this is funny. I also have a friend Matt. He does not smoke because he does not have the patients or want to put the time in and he admits it. Good on him, right?

He does like to grill. Every time my wife and I go over for a little cook out, he chars the sh!t out of the meat. He's only cooking for 4 people.

He has a 5 burner gas grill and he insists on turning all 5 burners on. When he puts the meat on, he always gets a flare up ... ALWAYS. Next he gets out his water bottle to put out the flames. I want to tell him "Hey Matt why don't you just turn on burners 1, 3, and 5. That way you won't get as many flare ups", but I don't. I just watch silently and rejoice in the fact that he has plenty of cold beer.