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Gore
09-20-2011, 09:11 PM
What follows is the transcript of “Cooking with the Master: The Pit of the Future, Episode XIII”

Master: Ladies, Gentlemen, Gooood Eeeeevening! And welcome to "Cooking with the Master," a show about cooking. I ... am the Master! Joined by sous chefs Ninja Squirrel and Gore, I will demonstrate revolutionary advances in BBQ Science. Traditionally, this has been a show where I have presented the latest scientific advances in cooking. Tonight, however, we have a special show: I will discuss technological innovations in the BBQ Pits themselves.

Since the beginning of time, all BBQ pits have had something in common. Sooner or later, they end their happy lives and find their way to a trash heap.

[Audience gasps]

Yes, sad, but true! It is estimated that every year some 25 million BBQ pits will be added to our landfills, choking our planet with their toxic waste. This is not the twentieth century. We do not have to destroy our planet just to make dinner. We can do better! I have spent many months in my laboratory devoting my time to solving this problem, and tonight I will demonstrate that BBQ can go Green. The BBQ pit can be a fully renewable resource: I have invented the Pit of the Future!

[Oooos and Ahhhhhs from the Audience]

Furthermore, I will share my discoveries with all of you tonight!

[Audience claps and cheers]

Gore, get the ingredients so Ninja Squirrel can demonstrate the technique.

I (Gore): Yes, Master.

Master: Ninja Squirrel will now demonstrate construction of the Pit of the Future. He begins with a bacon weave.

http://i613.photobucket.com/albums/tt211/gvideen/mini/IMG_3259.jpg

Ninja Squirrel then adds a large uncooked patty of sausage.

Ninja Squirrel: Squeak, squeak, squeak!

Narrator translates: Fold the bacon edges over the edge of the patty to preserve the round shape.

http://i613.photobucket.com/albums/tt211/gvideen/mini/IMG_3260.jpg

Master: Ninja Squirrel now slides this into a mixing bowl and then makes another one. He cooks these at 350* until the bacon and sausage become firm. He also diligently drains the fat throughout the cook, so this can be enjoyed by those on a low-cholesterol diet.

http://i613.photobucket.com/albums/tt211/gvideen/mini/IMG_3261.jpg

Ninja Squirrel then removes these from the bowls and finishes cooking them on balls of foil.

http://i613.photobucket.com/albums/tt211/gvideen/mini/IMG_3262.jpg

When these are fully cooked, he finishes construction. The only non-edible portion is a small piece of aluminum foil he uses to hold the lit lump charcoal.

http://i613.photobucket.com/albums/tt211/gvideen/mini/IMG_3267.jpg

And you can see we have not only created a fully functional BBQ Pit, but one that is also edible!

http://i613.photobucket.com/albums/tt211/gvideen/mini/IMG_3276.jpg

We have not attached a rotisserie yet, so Ninja Squirrel rotates the MOINK manually.

http://i613.photobucket.com/albums/tt211/gvideen/mini/IMG_3288.jpg

I am working on a full-size model capable of cooking a full packer, but am having difficulties with the bacon’s structural integrity. Of course, the most important thing is that your pit is a renewable resource. When you’re done cooking, you simply eat it, thus protecting the environment for future generations of BBQers.

[Cheers from audience]

At this point in the show, it’s time to go to the mailbag and answer your questions!

I (Gore): Master, our first question is submitted by email. John from Sacramento asks, “Are you completely out of your mind? Do you expect me to construct a new Pit just to cook one farkin' MOINK ball? You guys are completely nuts!"

Master: Sounds like a lot of bad energy there, John. Going Green doesn’t come without some minor sacrifices. We all have to do our part to save Mother Earth.

[Audience chuckles at John's stupidity]

I (Gore): Next, we have a letter from Sarah at the Department of Energy. Sarah writes, “Dear Master, your proposal to eliminate BBQ waste is exactly the type of program the government is looking for in our Green Initiative. We are awarding your start-up company a $200 Million grant to pursue this research and bring this product to market….” Congratulations, Master!

Master: Thank you, Gore. This decision demonstrates government foresight in … Gore, did you leave the Sous Transmorgraphier on?

[Flashes and Sparks, while audience gasps!]

http://i613.photobucket.com/albums/tt211/gvideen/hotHotHOT/lab2_Al.jpg

Narrator: Why it’s Smokey Al Gold!

[Audience cheers]

Smokey Al Gold: Greetings, Master! I see that your experiments have brought you some success, but I have been working myself on an edible Kettle that will have twice the capacity of your Fattie-Smoker. Your company will soon be obsolete!

I (Gore): I find that hard to believe, Al. The entire American economy will soon be based on the production of Fattie-Smokers. Green companies like ours are the wave of the future. We have the full backing of the American government behind us.

Smokey Al Gold: Not the entire government, Gore. There are still some who are trying to sabotage these new Green technologies….Adieu!

[Smokey Al Gold disappears in a puff of blue smoke]

I (Gore): Master, we have just received an email from Bob at EPA. Bob writes, “Dear Master, as part of our new Getting America Moving jobs-growth initiative, we are instituting value-added user’s fees to companies whose products have an environmental impact. Please be aware that the product your company is developing requires the use of lump charcoal, a defective product that contributes to greenhouse gases and global climate change. As such, we are instituting a carbon user’s fee on your estimated future sales of this product. The amount assessed in the first payment will be $200 million. Please submit your check for this amount to ‘The United States Government’ before you begin production….” I’m terribly sorry, Master.

[A collective groan of disgust and disappointment is felt from the audience]

Narrator: This episode of “Cooking with the Master” was brought to you by the BBQ Brethren Throwdown sub-forum found at the top of Q-talk or at
http://www.bbq-brethren.com/forum/forumdisplay.php?f=86
Please join us every week to enter and/or vote for your favorite entry. There are lots of great dishes described in the entry threads. The recipes and views expressed on “Cooking with the Master” do not necessarily represent those of the BBQ Brethren, Gore, Q-Talk, or Ninja Squirrel. Note that all characters in this episode are purely fictional, and any resemblance to actual Brethren is purely coincidental.

I (Gore): That’s a wrap!

btcg
09-20-2011, 09:15 PM
Gawd, I've got to show my wife this.

To me: I think you're amazingly talented.

As to my wife: She questions my judgement.

Boshizzle
09-20-2011, 09:19 PM
Awesome!

I bet Howard Anthony Stark would be impressed with that! :-D:clap2:

NorthwestBBQ
09-20-2011, 09:20 PM
https://blufiles.storage.live.com/y1pBJA50ttK9V0nX8GMKtObKbq4wLNMBu6czm6ji46wMqdzkBI jV8TjolZfyKWMk4yPeouNqLnrYb4/bbq%20brethren%20%207.jpg?psid=1

Moose
09-20-2011, 09:20 PM
:clap2::clap2:
:laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh:

That's farking brilliant! I hope "Cooking With the Master" will become a regular series again.

What tasted better, the MOINK or the grill? :becky:

webby
09-20-2011, 09:29 PM
Great job that is freakin funny. I hope to see more episodes about cooking with the Master! Again great job keep up the good work.

boogiesnap
09-20-2011, 09:30 PM
I....I....I...


gotta get a beer...

that was just too much for my feeble brain.

farkin genious.

jonboy
09-20-2011, 09:31 PM
I have got to get one of those ninja squirrels.:grin:
jon

Chucktown
09-20-2011, 09:32 PM
Epic thread!!:clap2:

Grabnabber
09-20-2011, 09:50 PM
I'd hit that.

Gore
09-20-2011, 09:51 PM
Gawd, I've got to show my wife this.

To me: I think you're amazingly talented.

As to my wife: She questions my judgement.

If she already questions your judgement, I don't think you want her seeing this. She might forbid you from visiting this website altogether! :becky:

:clap2::clap2:
:laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh:

That's farking brilliant! I hope "Cooking With the Master" will become a regular series again.

What tasted better, the MOINK or the grill? :becky:

Not sure how regular it can be with my schedule. These things take a bit of time to put together and time is something I lack. Can't answer your last question, as I didn't eat the MOINK. :becky:

Great job that is freakin funny. I hope to see more episodes about cooking with the Master! Again great job keep up the good work.

Well, there are 12 more of them in the series so far. You can do a search on the "Cooking with the Master" tag. A few of them are buried within Throwdown threads. I can't believe I've written 13 of these. I must be crazy. :crazy: The first one is still one of my favorites:
http://www.bbq-brethren.com/forum/showpost.php?p=1080904&postcount=49

I have got to get one of those ninja squirrels.:grin:
jon

Farkin' squirrels.... :tsk:

T-Man
09-20-2011, 09:57 PM
Cool !!! Looking foward to next adventure of the Ninja Squirrel ..

Boshizzle
09-20-2011, 10:07 PM
http://www.bbq-brethren.com/forum/picture.php?albumid=326&pictureid=4216

Will work for bbq
09-20-2011, 10:14 PM
http://freezone.photoimpact-international.com/images/smileys/smiley-hatsoff-maggie.gif

Brilliant, but leave it to the EPA to mess things up. :tsk:

Grillman
09-20-2011, 10:18 PM
Is this show on TV; or perhaps Cable...maybe on the "Sigh Fry" channel.

fingerlickin'
09-20-2011, 11:48 PM
Looks like you even got some thin blue going on there! Very nice!

Phubar
09-21-2011, 03:51 AM
:tsk::crazy::wacko::twitch::loco:

deguerre
09-21-2011, 06:04 AM
So the little red x is a Green initiative to save bandwidth? :becky:
No pics here but a good read none the less.:thumb:

padawan
09-21-2011, 07:45 AM
:grin: I like it !!!!
it's :crazy:

J_Don
09-21-2011, 07:45 AM
I'm speachless. Hope to see future episodes. :laugh:

bigabyte
09-21-2011, 07:52 AM
Typical government!:tsk:

Smokey Al Gold
09-21-2011, 08:40 AM
:clap: I was wondering where my head went again! Your company will never see the light of day muah ha ha ha ha! :twisted: Nice pron and great show!

tdwalker
09-21-2011, 09:06 AM
Any chance you are Insane (and a genius)?

gtr
09-21-2011, 09:36 AM
mmm....bacon.....

Maybe it's a good thing the brain that got grabbed belonged to Abby Normal.

Fatback Joe
09-21-2011, 03:04 PM
Genius.........pure farking genius!

---k---
09-21-2011, 03:36 PM
I'm a little confused how this works how using a big smoker to make a little single use smoker saves the planet. Wouldn't the big smoker ... ah never mind....

Loved the post; as always. :thumb:

Sent from my DROID2 GLOBAL using Tapatalk

landarc
09-21-2011, 03:40 PM
Let me just note, I am still waiting on that check I (Gore).

Bob

bigabyte
09-21-2011, 03:42 PM
I'm a little confused how this works how using a big smoker to make a little single use smoker saves the planet. Wouldn't the big smoker ... ah never mind....

Loved the post; as always. :thumb:

Sent from my DROID2 GLOBAL using Tapatalk
Well, I suppose once you made the first renewable smoker, you could make others from it, but then it might not taste as good. There's always a trade-off, just like Gore said.

colonel00
09-21-2011, 03:49 PM
Let us not also forget that the shelf-life of said cooker is quite limited. Unrefridgerated I would only give it a couple hours. I fear it would take longer to produce such a cooker than it would last. Even worse, if you did try to create other smokers from this original one, would those also not take longer to cook than the cooker would retain its edible status?

Also, where are the intakes, vent, and fuel for that matter? :tsk:

Dustin D
09-21-2011, 04:15 PM
Too Cool!

Gore
09-21-2011, 04:16 PM
With regard to the last few posts, I think John from Sacramento summed things up nicely. Oh, where to begin? I so feel his frustration at times. :becky:

I (Gore): Master, our first question is submitted by email. John from Sacramento asks, “Are you completely out of your mind? Do you expect me to construct a new Pit just to cook one farkin' MOINK ball? You guys are completely nuts!"

Master: Sounds like a lot of bad energy there, John. Going Green doesn’t come without some minor sacrifices. We all have to do our part to save Mother Earth.

[Audience chuckles at John's stupidity]

jgbmgb
09-21-2011, 04:20 PM
Can you make that out of peanut butter and tuna??????

Gore
09-21-2011, 08:32 PM
Can you make that out of peanut butter and tuna??????

Definitely, you've stumped on on this one. :thumb:

jgbmgb
09-21-2011, 08:48 PM
Definitely, you've stumped on on this one. :thumb:

Ha! LOL!! Was refering to the " 5 foods that will cause you a stroke" post.

"try to vary your diet, switching to tuna, peanut butter"

Dragonfly
09-26-2011, 04:18 PM
Hilarious, what a great read! I must take the time to read your past episodes....gotta love that ninja squirrel!