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Q-talk *ON TOPIC ONLY* QUALITY ON TOPIC discussion of Backyard BBQ, grilling, Equipment and just outdoor cookin' in general, hints, tips, tricks & techniques, success, failures... but stay on topic. And watch for that hijacking.


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Unread 11-02-2010, 02:54 PM   #1
bigabyte
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Angry Farking Fugitive McRib Rant FARK!

I'm farking PI$$ED OFF!!!

Today I voted for the people who I think best represent this country, and not the farking left-wing-liberal commie-pinko tree-huggin hemp-wearin camel-humpin climate-changin terrorist-kissin whale-savin Lenin-lovin Fidel-philanderin Che-shaggin PETA-partnerin lettuce-munchin meat-is-murderin vegan douchebags that have been putting us in tons and tons of debt with all their farking pork packages to win over other farking congress people's votes, all the while not even bothering to do their farking job and pass a single farking federal budget! Did you know that in the 2 entire farking years of the 111th Congress, they did not pass one single farking federal budget, but made sure to pass legislation that cost ridiculous billions and trillions of dollars? FARK THAT PI$$E$ ME OFF!!!

So, when we finally get the chance to actually do something about it, by exercising our rights as a citizens of these United States and get out and vote, the President of the United States, our Commander in Chief of the Armed Forces, declares those of us who did not vote for HIS cronies as the "Enemy" So now I'm apparently farked and headed to Gitmo because I used my farking right to vote and make up my OWN farking mind and not just do what he says like a brain-dead farking zombie! FARK!!! As a newly appointed "Enemy of the State", I expect that any moment now I will be overrun by federal agents, or even the National Guard, so I better post this fast!

Since I am now on the farking run, some low and slow cooking is probably not the best farking idea. I will be needing something quick and easy. Something stimulating that I can whip up and then get the fark out with a moments notice, but still be nourished! What I need is FAST FOOD! But it also needs to be BBQ because that's what patriotic Americans eat!

So as I left my polling place today...which by the way just so happened to be a church...and not just any church...but a church that worships the one and only Christian God, thanks be to Jesus!!! Yeah, thats right all you whiny farking godless, secularist douchebags, try and get your head around that one!

So anyway, as I left my polling place, I drove by a McDonalds and saw the sign...

The McRib is back! The only Fast Food BBQ known to make it through nearly 30 years of production! Plus, they say that McDonalds food never goes bad, at least according to this website... So this is certainly an alternative to eating those freeze dried MRE's!

So I scan the area around McDonalds to make sure it's safe and not some sort of trap! Then I pull in to pick up some McRibs. I go through the drive-thru so I can make a quick getaway in case I am spotted. I drive up to the speaker and the conversation went like this...

Them: Welcome to McDonalds on this beautiful day, would you like to try our famous McRib sandwich?

Me: Why yes as a matter of fact, I am indeed interested in procuring an as of yet unknown quantity of said sandwich, but first I need a little more information before I can settle upon an exact amount. How big are the McRib patties?

Them: Uhhh...I'm afraid I don't know.

Me: OK then, do you know the precooked weight of a Quarter Pounder patty?

Them: Yes sir, it is 4 ounces precooked weight.

Me: Allrighty then, don't you also have a precooked weight you can give me for the McRib patty?

Them: Sir, the McRib is precooked before we even cook it, so it doesn't have a precooked weight, but I would guess that the end result is somewhere between 1/4 and 1/3 pound.

I'll let you think about that for a minute to see if you realize the exact implications of what he said...

The McRib does not have a precooked weight!!! Therefore the precooked weight is zero! What is really baffling is that after it is cooked it takes on a mass somewhere between 1/4 and 1/3 pound! McDonalds has solved one of the most vexing problems in physics; they are producing mass from objects that do not have mass! Yet we can not learn this this secret because of their proprietary production processes. All the while, scientists all the world over are working on trying to solve this problem at great cost using rather expensive equipment like the Large Hadron Collider to try and find tiny little theoretical particles. I bet if we just showed all those scientists a McRib they could save all that time and money.

OK, so enough of the mad scientist crap, I have to wrap this up quickly, I hear helicopters in the distance!

I picked up 4 of these sandwiches to get roughly 1 pound of McRib meat....



Yeah...I didn't think they looked that stimulating either. So I figured I would make something tasty out of them for the McRib Throwdown! But what to make out of them that did not require a lot of time and effort? It would be nice to make something that also stretched the food out. After all, I might find myself with little time to cook now that I am being hunted by the government!

Looking at the supplies on hand that this sandwich gave to me, I quickly deduced that I should make a meatloaf. The McRib has all of the basics for meatloaf all ready to go. It has meat. It has bread. It has onion. It also has pickle for those who like pickle in their meatloaf. It's even covered in sauce to flavor the meat. This is practically already a meatloaf, it just needs a little guidance is all!

First, we have to grind up the McRibs like so.


Please note that any similarity between this process and how our country has been handled the last few years is purely farkin' coincidental.

Then I added some egg and some breakfast sausage to work as binders to help hold the whole thing together.

I thought my choice of breakfast sausage was quite an appropriate representation of our current members of Congress, don't you also think so?

Binders are really neat because they work with things that are difficult to unite and brings them together. This is something that has been severely lacking with our politicians lately, as they only seem to want to work on establishing their vision of a socialist state, and not work together with those who they prefer to call the "enemies" on the other side who have differing viewpoints.

This is what it looked like after mixing in the sausage and the egg. The mixture was holding together very well.


Then I formed it into a loaf shape. If it isn't in a loaf shape then you can't call it meatloaf!


Then I rubbed it with a layer of Brown Sugar, followed by a layer of Simply Marvelous Pecan Rub.


So, with my loaf formed, I donned a ghillie suit to wear while cooking this in my backyard to disguise myself from the forces that were surely aiming to take me down. I figured, who would suspect a bush? Then I realized that the ONLY thing these people EVER do is blame Bush. So I took the suit off and went with my trusty foil hat.

I put it on my WSM at 250. Temps were low in the WSM today, I think it's this batch of charcoal. I was shooting for a high temp cook around 350, but I guess I'll take what I can get.


When the meatloaf was just about done I hit it with some BigButz sauce...


So finally, in remembrance of our outgoing 111th U.S. Congress (good farking riddance), I present to you...

The McPork Stimulus Package!


Now get out there and vote already! Don't let the fear-mongerers scare you away from the polls!
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Unread 11-02-2010, 03:01 PM   #2
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bigabyte View Post
The McRib does not have a precooked weight!!! Therefore the precooked weight is zero! What is really baffling is that after it is cooked it takes on a mass somewhere between 1/4 and 1/3 pound! McDonalds has solved one of the most vexing problems in physics; they are producing mass from objects that do not have mass! Yet we can not learn this this secret because of their proprietary production processes. All the while, scientists all the world over are working on trying to solve this problem at great cost using rather expensive equipment like the Large Hadron Collider to try and find tiny little theoretical particles. I bet if we just showed all those scientists a McRib they could save all that time and money.

OK Gore, you can take off your Bigabyte suit now.
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Unread 11-02-2010, 03:10 PM   #3
landarc
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I find this disturbing on many levels, I am awaiting the taste tests.

I did vote, you should be disturbed.
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Unread 11-02-2010, 03:15 PM   #4
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UnFarking believable, you my friend are a gentleman and a SCHOLAR. Thanks you for sharing and making my day, I needed a good honest opinion today! Oh yes, I stood in line this morning at 7 a.m. with about 30 RETIRED people to vote Wonder why if you have ALL day to vote you have to be in line when they open the doors? I think it's because they all have Doctor's appointments the rest of the day!
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Unread 11-02-2010, 03:16 PM   #5
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bigabyte - ya are farking crazy! LMFAO I hope the helicopters haven't landed yet and watch out for that microchip injection they will implant into all of us, the enemy!

Now for the McPork Stimulus Package we should all cook up a bunch of these and send to DC before January gets here! lol Hopefully the message will be sent today by the power of the people, kicking these idiots out!

Quite creative on the Stimulus Package loaf, btw! LMAO
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Unread 11-02-2010, 03:23 PM   #6
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I hope you survived eating that. Love the RANT!!!! This site could use more rants you know. I can't believe you made that but at the same time I can believe you made that.
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Unread 11-02-2010, 03:27 PM   #7
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"they say that McDonalds food never goes bad"

Isn't that because it's already bad???
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Unread 11-02-2010, 03:28 PM   #8
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I like how you keep calling it meat
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Unread 11-02-2010, 03:28 PM   #9
chambersuac
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Chris,
If you are still free and able to access the site, know that you are not alone and we will RESCUE you from your captivity...but, we expect you to make us each one of those McPork loafs.
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Unread 11-02-2010, 03:30 PM   #10
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I just threw up a little bit.
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Unread 11-02-2010, 03:31 PM   #11
landarc
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Quote:
Originally Posted by aquablue22 View Post
...Oh yes, I stood in line this morning at 7 a.m. with about 30 RETIRED people to vote Wonder why if you have ALL day to vote you have to be in line when they open the doors? I think it's because they all have Doctor's appointments the rest of the day!
I used to wonder about this when I needed to get a blood test, why do they have to crowd in at 8am, when I need to get my test done and get to the office. They are retired, I got stuff to do.
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I'm feeling bearish, and I'm packing a Wusthof Grand Brisket slicer from MABA

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Unread 11-02-2010, 03:32 PM   #12
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That Stimulus package loaf will surely feed your family for the next
two years....and if you're lucky; 4 more years after that.

Change is good....? But you may want some dessert in the future.
Maybe some...Impeach cobbler.
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Unread 11-02-2010, 03:32 PM   #13
landarc
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Quote:
Originally Posted by chambersuac View Post
Chris,
If you are still free and able to access the site, know that you are not alone and we will RESCUE you from your captivity...but, we expect you to make us each one of those McPork loafs.
Yes! I will go warm up the helicopter!
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I'm feeling bearish, and I'm packing a Wusthof Grand Brisket slicer from MABA

Whip It Off, Chambers!

"perhaps...but then again...maybe not..."
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Unread 11-02-2010, 03:33 PM   #14
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Just be careful what your swallowing on both counts.
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Unread 11-02-2010, 03:39 PM   #15
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Default this post has gone too far

now i am really upset. this is q-talk, not some random chat-board that can be used to denigrate things that are important to a lot of people and maybe not to someone as selfish as you. how dare you use this hallowed posting ground to cast aspersions against something loved by many. the McRib. you really need to take back what you've said about the McRib. who gives a fark what it weighs before or after it's cooked. no matter what's in it or how it's cooked it just tastes darn good. and then in a final act of perversion you ground-up four perfectly good sandwedges. do you know that people have driven hundreds of miles to taste what is the glory of the McRib and you just grind them up. i am at a loss for words. if you think it's bad to have federal government after you, wait till you see what happens when the wrath of the McDonalds corporation comes down on your head. the only thing worse would have been if you said something bad about the phone company.
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