What follows is the transcript of “Cooking with the Master: The Pit of the Future, Episode XIII”
Master: Ladies, Gentlemen, Gooood Eeeeevening! And welcome to "Cooking with the Master," a show about cooking. I ... am the Master! Joined by sous chefs Ninja Squirrel and Gore, I will demonstrate revolutionary advances in BBQ Science. Traditionally, this has been a show where I have presented the latest scientific advances in cooking. Tonight, however, we have a special show: I will discuss technological innovations in the BBQ Pits themselves.
Since the beginning of time, all BBQ pits have had something in common. Sooner or later, they end their happy lives and find their way to a trash heap.
[Audience gasps]
Yes, sad, but true! It is estimated that every year some 25 million BBQ pits will be added to our landfills, choking our planet with their toxic waste. This is not the twentieth century. We do not have to destroy our planet just to make dinner. We can do better! I have spent many months in my laboratory devoting my time to solving this problem, and tonight I will demonstrate that BBQ can go Green. The BBQ pit can be a fully renewable resource: I have invented the Pit of the Future!
[Oooos and Ahhhhhs from the Audience]
Furthermore, I will share my discoveries with all of you tonight!
[Audience claps and cheers]
Gore, get the ingredients so Ninja Squirrel can demonstrate the technique.
I (Gore): Yes, Master.
Master: Ninja Squirrel will now demonstrate construction of the Pit of the Future. He begins with a bacon weave.
Ninja Squirrel then adds a large uncooked patty of sausage.
Ninja Squirrel: Squeak, squeak, squeak!
Narrator translates: Fold the bacon edges over the edge of the patty to preserve the round shape.
Master: Ninja Squirrel now slides this into a mixing bowl and then makes another one. He cooks these at 350* until the bacon and sausage become firm. He also diligently drains the fat throughout the cook, so this can be enjoyed by those on a low-cholesterol diet.
Ninja Squirrel then removes these from the bowls and finishes cooking them on balls of foil.
When these are fully cooked, he finishes construction. The only non-edible portion is a small piece of aluminum foil he uses to hold the lit lump charcoal.
And you can see we have not only created a fully functional BBQ Pit, but one that is also edible!
We have not attached a rotisserie yet, so Ninja Squirrel rotates the MOINK manually.
I am working on a full-size model capable of cooking a full packer, but am having difficulties with the bacon’s structural integrity. Of course, the most important thing is that your pit is a renewable resource. When you’re done cooking, you simply eat it, thus protecting the environment for future generations of BBQers.
[Cheers from audience]
At this point in the show, it’s time to go to the mailbag and answer your questions!
I (Gore): Master, our first question is submitted by email. John from Sacramento asks, “Are you completely out of your mind? Do you expect me to construct a new Pit just to cook one farkin' MOINK ball? You guys are completely nuts!"
Master: Sounds like a lot of bad energy there, John. Going Green doesn’t come without some minor sacrifices. We all have to do our part to save Mother Earth.
[Audience chuckles at John's stupidity]
I (Gore): Next, we have a letter from Sarah at the Department of Energy. Sarah writes, “Dear Master, your proposal to eliminate BBQ waste is exactly the type of program the government is looking for in our Green Initiative. We are awarding your start-up company a $200 Million grant to pursue this research and bring this product to market….” Congratulations, Master!
Master: Thank you, Gore. This decision demonstrates government foresight in … Gore, did you leave the Sous Transmorgraphier on?
[Flashes and Sparks, while audience gasps!]
Narrator: Why it’s Smokey Al Gold!
[Audience cheers]
Smokey Al Gold: Greetings, Master! I see that your experiments have brought you some success, but I have been working myself on an edible Kettle that will have twice the capacity of your Fattie-Smoker. Your company will soon be obsolete!
I (Gore): I find that hard to believe, Al. The entire American economy will soon be based on the production of Fattie-Smokers. Green companies like ours are the wave of the future. We have the full backing of the American government behind us.
Smokey Al Gold: Not the entire government, Gore. There are still some who are trying to sabotage these new Green technologies….Adieu!
[Smokey Al Gold disappears in a puff of blue smoke]
I (Gore): Master, we have just received an email from Bob at EPA. Bob writes, “Dear Master, as part of our new Getting America Moving jobs-growth initiative, we are instituting value-added user’s fees to companies whose products have an environmental impact. Please be aware that the product your company is developing requires the use of lump charcoal, a defective product that contributes to greenhouse gases and global climate change. As such, we are instituting a carbon user’s fee on your estimated future sales of this product. The amount assessed in the first payment will be $200 million. Please submit your check for this amount to ‘The United States Government’ before you begin production….” I’m terribly sorry, Master.
[A collective groan of disgust and disappointment is felt from the audience]
Narrator: This episode of “Cooking with the Master” was brought to you by the BBQ Brethren Throwdown sub-forum found at the top of Q-talk or at
http://www.bbq-brethren.com/forum/forumdisplay.php?f=86
Please join us every week to enter and/or vote for your favorite entry. There are lots of great dishes described in the entry threads. The recipes and views expressed on “Cooking with the Master” do not necessarily represent those of the BBQ Brethren, Gore, Q-Talk, or Ninja Squirrel. Note that all characters in this episode are purely fictional, and any resemblance to actual Brethren is purely coincidental.
I (Gore): That’s a wrap!
