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Old 01-31-2014, 10:06 AM   #142
somebody shut me the fark up.
bigabyte's Avatar
Join Date: 05-10-06
Location: Overland Fark, KS

There I was having just sat down with my oatmeal and coffee when suddenly from out of the murky darkness came a bright flash as if Ginger was on the beach followed by a sound like that of a thousand strumpets blowing very loudly.

Needless to say, I looked up and saw what appeared to be a grail floating just above my view, yet seemingly far off as if from another dimension where the laws of the universe and space and time itself are not the same, like California or some other such place.

"Hey bigabyte!", boomed a voice from all directions, but with a seemingly distinct directional pounding sensation within my chest like that caused by standing near a speaker at a Metallica concert, coming quite clearly from the distant grail-like floaty-thingie.

My heart fluttered, I was awash with joy, and the words flew straight out my mouth, "Fark yeah, did you finally find trp1fox, because that was the longest farking search EVER?"!

"Who the fark is trp1fox?", said the voice, "Look, I don't know what the fark you are on, but it's me, Chambers".

"Shut up Chambers!", I said with a great big smile. I was very glad to hear Chambers was getting around again, and that he even thought to pay me a visit (albeit inter-dimensionally and while wearing a giant glowing cup).

"Listen up farker, there is a thread you created which you may or may not recall. A thread about MOINK certificates.", he said.

I fell silent.

Chambers said, "Look, there's like a thousand poor souls trapped in that thread, having created vast amounts of MOINKery goodness, all of whom are eagerly awaiting their prized official IMBAS MOINK Baller Certificate".

I tried to pretend I was having to tend to something more important, like my oatmeal, or getting the 14yr old to the bus, and taking the oldest at home to school. Yet, Chambers persisted, following me everywhere I went.

It was while waiting at a traffic light that Chambers said, "You do still have the certificates, don't you?".

"It's funny you should ask that", I replied. "You see, when I moved back in August, there was this USB flash drive that had all of my BBQ files on it..."

Just then a giant pickle car pulled up next to me, honked it's horn, and a creature that looked like half-squirrel, half-pig and half man (yes, I know, that is 1-1/2, but this was a fairly good sized creature) rolled down it's window and said, "You mean the same farking USB drive that had all that farking Throwdown data that tallied up all the votes, winners, and all that other helpful crap"?

I hung my head in shame, "Yes, it's one and the same".

"So did you ever FIND that farking jump drive"?

"As a matter of fact, my wife found it about a month ago", I told the pickle car driver, "So I have that Throwdown data if you are interested (although it is quite dated at this point).

"Fan-farking-tastic!" exclaimed Chambers, so now you can go and create MOINK certificates for all of the folks who have waited for so farking long, who worked so hard, and who"...

I interrupted saying, "Actually, much to my surprise the MOINK certificate file was not on there. Apparently I never backed it up to either that drive or online to any of my cloud storage, and when my solid state drive crashed earlier last year, well...kapoof!".

"Kapoof?", they both asked.

"Yes, kapoof", I replied.

There was an awkward silence. Then someone farted. It could have been anyone of us, yet we were all looking at each other and pointing fingers at each other asking if they did it. Then the smell hit, along with the realization...

Phil was here.


Not in physical form obviously, but at least in some gaseous form.

Then there was the sound of even more farting. Apparently Phil was speaking in tongues.

That's when I blacked out from the vapors.

I awoke and felt such guilt that I quickly logged on to the Brethren to confess my ineptitude to the brethren, and to the IMBAS, and to the giant floaty grail thingie.

I await my punishment. I'm already stripped down, so just go ahead and have your way with me.
Asshattatron Farkanaut, CGCFO
Chief Galactic Crockpot Foil Officer
Certified MOINK Baller & IMBAS Certified MOINK Ball Judge #0003 - Are you MOINK Certified?
Sole recipient of the Silverfinger and fingerlickin Awards!

Don't forget about the Throwdown Thingies!
The Secret Squirrel Society doesn't exist - Zero Club

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