I have meditated on this and the path is now clear.
I'm going to get a cheapo digital thermo from China (thanks wjm) to tide me over until someone I know travels to the US and can pick me up an ET732.
I'm going to keep looking for a Weber, either second hand or in the sales. I'm hoping for a rancid UK summer of rain.
Still no clue what to do about the nagging wife or the bathroom tiles but I'll save those problems for another day.
Thank you for the guidance, Wise ones.