What follows is the transcript of “Cooking with the Master: Pizza, Episode XX”
Master: Ladies, Gentlemen, Goood Eeeevening! And welcome to "Cooking with the Master," a show about cooking. I ... am the Master! Joined by co-chef Smokey and our sous chef Gore, I will demonstrate revolutionary advances in BBQ science. Today, we will be making pizza.
I (Gore): Master, are you sure this is a good idea? I hardly think that pizza is considered BBQ. Where does KCBS stand on this?
Master: Pizza is traditionally made in wood-fired ovens and many Brethren make pizzas in their BBQs. Of course, we will begin in the traditional manner by making ribs.
I (Gore): Ribs, Master?
Master: Yes, Gore, we will prepare these in an Italian fashion, seasoning them with salt and pepper, basil, oregano, as Smokey demonstrates.
I (Gore): Smokey?
Master: Yes, now Smokey will place these in the Oval.
I (Gore): Master, I think I need a vacation. I thought we were making pizza and … I keep getting flashbacks when I see Ninja … errr, Smokey.
Master: All will be made clear in time. Can you pull the lever of the transmorgraphier, please. The inspection is today.
[sparks and smoke fly, and three heads appear in a puff of blue smoke]
Narrator: Why it’s Moose, Bigabyte and … Smokey!
[Audience claps and cheers]
I (Gore): Eak, a Ghost!
[Gore runs out of the laboratory screaming in terror]
Master: Smokey, put your head back on and quit torturing our assistant… Excuse me, inspectors, and welcome to our lab. I’m sure you’ll find that everything is in order. We’re currently making stuffed-crust pizza.
Moose: I believe the term “stuffed-crust pizza” is trademarked. You’re not allowed to say that here.
Bigabyte: Yes, I’ll put you down for a major infraction and 1000 points.
Master: I think you’ll find our new stuff-in-the-crust pizza to be a major BBQ innovation and truly tasty.
Moose: We’re not about innovation. We’re about making the Brethren a friendlier, safer environment for BBQ.
Bigabyte: We want to make sure all threads are quality and on topic, and that the discussion remains clean.
Moose: We keep a tally of your infractions. Get enough points and you’ve earned a one-way trip to the Wood Pile.
Master: That would be terrible for our ratings.
Moose: Yes, but you could always rub some bacon on it.
Bigabyte: I’m sensing a low level of helpfulness within this episode and will add another 500 points.
[Audience cheers again]
Master: I think the level of unhelpfulness can be directly attributed to this inspection.
Bigabyte: Good point! That will be an additional 250 points for each inspector!
Master: We are just demonstrating our new pizza. As you are well aware, traditional cheese-stuffed crust lacks flavor.
Moose: I like cheese. Nachos and pizza both have cheese, 500 more points.
Bigabyte: Even SPAMfish nachos have cheese. That’ll be an additional 2000 points.
Master: Yes, of course, but we are developing revolutionary BBQ. My partner Smokey is just now finishing the ribs with a pizza sauce.
Moose: I can see you cannot distinguish a pizza from a rack of ribs.
Bigabyte: I can’t wait to get back to my body so I can mark this entire thread as “unhelpful.” I’m adding 10,000 points to my tally. That’s enough for a trip to the penalty box. See you there!
[Inspectors disappear in a puff of blue smoke]
I (Gore): Well, that went so much better than last time.
Master: Agreed, being banished to the Throwdown Forum was definitely worse.
I (Gore): I see Smokey has trimmed the ribs.
Master: Now, with the pizza dough rolled out, we can wrap the sauced ribs into the crust.
We add our sauce, cheese, and toppings of choice: pepperoni, sausage and sauteed mushrooms. This went into the Oval for about 5 minutes and we have our stuffed crust pizza!
and the crust is something to be savored, with just as much flavor as the rest of the slice!
I (Gore): Looks like that’s a wrap!
Narrator: This episode of “Cooking with the Master” was brought to you by the BBQ Brethren Throwdown sub-forum found at the top of Q-talk or at
Please join us every week to enter and/or vote for your favorite entry. There are lots of great dishes described in the entry threads. The recipes and views expressed on “Cooking with the Master” do not necessarily represent those of the BBQ Brethren, Moose, Bigabyte, Gore, Q-Talk, or Smokey (or Ninja) Squirrel. Note that all characters in this episode are purely fictional, and any resemblance to actual Brethren is purely coincidental.