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Old 01-29-2013, 09:21 PM   #1

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Default Cooking with the Master: Episode XIX, Italian

What follows is the transcript of “Cooking with the Master: Italian, Episode XIX”

I (Gore): Wow, what's going on? It looks like we're filming a new episode. I thought we jumped the shark?

Master: Correction, Gore, we almost jumped the shark. You may recall in the last episode that just as we were about to jump the shark, the captain threw the wrong lever, and the shark turned into a SPAMfish. We never actually jumped it. However, just at that critical moment, Ninja Squirrel's younger brother Smokey turned on the transmorgraphier and beamed us all back here to the lab. All of us, except poor Ninja, of course.

I (Gore): Yes, I understand that, but we appear to be filming an episode.

Master: That is correct! Unbeknownst to all of us, Ninja had taken out a $10 million traveler's insurance policy with Smokey as beneficiary. With those funds, Smokey has purchased the rights to "Cooking with the Master," bought the castle, and we start filming our first episode on brand new sets.

I (Gore): That's very curious. I never knew Ninja had a younger brother and when did he learn how to operate the transmorgraphier?

Narrator: Filming in 5...4...3...2...1...

Master: Ladies, Gentlemen, Gooood Eeeeevening! And welcome to "Cooking with the Master," a show about cooking. I ... am the Master! Joined by my co-chef Smokey Squirrel and his assistant, Gore, I will demonstrate revolutionary advances in BBQ Science. The topic of this week’s show is "Italian Food." It appears there is quite a controversy about BBQing Italian food. To assist us today, we call on our panel of experts. Gore, can you pull the lever on the transmorgraphier please.

[sparks and smoke fly, and the beautiful and sparkling laboratory is transferred to its former dingy likeness]

I (Gore): What happened to the color?

[Then, in a puff of blue smoke, the panel appears]

Narrator: Why it’s N8man, CD and the Larry, the BBQ Grail himself!

[Audience claps and cheers]

Master: Greetings, and thank you for coming. As Italians, and BBQ authorities, I would like you to assure the audience that we can produce great Italian BBQ on the grill.

Larry: Italians?

Master: Maybe not by blood, of course, but it takes a true Italian to make great meatballs and you are a world-reknowned expert in making the "MOINK" and bringing Italian BBQ to the forefront!

Larry: I hope you capitalized "MOINK" when you said that.

CD: That is hardly Italian! As the only real Italian here, I can attest that BBQ and spaghetti should never be combined!

N8man: I can tell you that BBQ meatballs are the perfect treat for my cousin Santy Claus and he's been to Italy more than anyone I know.

Larry: So the first step in the recipe is to take the packaged meatballs out of the freezer.

CD: Arrrrgh! What are you talking about? Everything has to be homemade. That's the only way to make Italian food!

N8man: Reminds me I should be making some meatballs for my pappy again while it's still the proper season.

[Gore walks in]

I (Gore): Master, the fire is ready.

In tonight's show, we'll be taking our panel's advice and making BBQ spaghetti 'n meatball. Before we do anything, we boil up some spaghetti. It helps if this is cooked al dente, as Ninja, ... errr, Smokey demonstrates.

Next we prepare the meat. We need stability, so I prefer to use Italian sausage. I use between 2 and 3 pounds. I recommend against using breadcrumbs for this particular recipe. The sausage is rolled out, covered in a healthy layer of mozzarella and grated Parmesan cheeses

Larry: I personally would recommend a pork mousse as it can easily be molded to suit your needs.

CD: I hope you have some decent prosciutto. At least with some decent prosciutto, this won't be a total write-off.

As my Co-chef Smokey will demonstrate, next we blend ricotta cheese with egg and parsley.

We then mix the spaghetti with this ricotta mixture and place it on top of the Parmesan.

Then we cover the top with another layer of mozzarella, Parmesan and a final layer of meat. This is molded into a meatball:

Our assistant, Gore, will place this into our 300*-350*smoker for a between 1 and 2 hours, until it reaches about 165* IT. We want the internal cheese to set.

I (Gore): CD, my hands are full, can you snap a picture of this?

CD: Professional photographers call this a soft-focus.

I (Gore): Perfect!

There are several serving suggestions. If you are particularly hungry, this can be eaten on a bed of spaghetti and topped with spaghetti sauce.

CD: I hope that's homemade sauce at least.

I (Gore): You'll have to get the recipe from one of the chefs. You know I didn't make it.

In most cases, you will probably want to serve slices of the spaghetti 'n meatball.

We serve with fresh-grated Parmesan and grilled baby artichokes.

Master: Let’s give a big hand to Larry, N8man and CD for their help in making tonight's meal.

[Audience applauds wildly as the three guests leave in a puff of blue smoke]

Narrator: This episode of “Cooking with the Master” was brought to you by the BBQ Brethren Throwdown sub-forum found at the top of Q-talk or at
Please join us every week to enter and/or vote for your favorite entry. There are lots of great dishes described in the entry threads. The recipes and views expressed on “Cooking with the Master” do not necessarily represent those of the BBQ Brethren, Gore, Q-Talk, or Smokey Squirrel. Note that all characters in this episode are purely fictional, and any resemblance to actual Brethren is purely coincidental.

I (Gore): That’s a wrap!

Smokey: Squeak!
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