What follows is the transcript of “Cooking with the Master: Simmering Taboo, redux, Episode XII”
Master: Ladies, Gentlemen, Gooood Eeeeevening! And welcome to "Cooking with the Master," a show about cooking. I ... am the Master! Joined by sous chefs Gore and Ninja Squirrel, I will demonstrate revolutionary advances in BBQ Science. Today we discuss taboos with our panel of experts. In a previous episode we discussed frying, but today we will discuss an even deeper taboo … boiling!
I (Gore): Master, please, you know what they can can be like!
Yes, but it is important to discuss taboos. They not only have their basis in historical events, but they can help us learn about fears and psychoses. Today, specifically, we will discuss the taboo of boiling, or more precisely, simmering ribs!
[shouts and screams from the audience]
To aid our discussion, I have asked a few of our Brethren to stop by and give their opinions on the subject. Gore, flip the switch on the Sous Transmorgraphier.
I (Gore): Yes, Master! [Sparks, flames, and two puffs of blue smoke]
Master: Welcome Mr. Big and Donnie, otherwise known as Barbefunkoramaque!
[even more sparks and flames than usual]
Narrator: Why it’s Bigabyte … and Mindy Vega?!?!
[Audience claps and cheers]
Bigabyte: Great to be back ... and Donnie, I just love what you’ve done with your hair.
Donnie: Whoa, I’m somebody’s daughter! How hot is that?
Master: I’m sorry Donnie, it appears there was … a little problem. During the process, It is essential that you clear your mind before the transport or your brain waves will interfere and affect transmorgraphication. Did you do this?
Donnie: Your assistant mentioned ribs and said he had a nice rack for me back at the lab… I guess my mind wandered.
I (Gore): Sorry, Master.
Master: I understand the problem completely now. We can get you straightened out when we send you back. I don’t think the audience will mind if Donnie is trapped in Miss Vega’s body during this episode.
Donnie: I wouldn’t mind being trapped in Miss Vega’s body either.
[Audience laughs and cheers]
Master: Our guests are here to share their intimate knowledge on the taboo of simmering, Donnie from a historical perspective, and Bigabyte from a practical perspective.
[murmurs from the audience]
I (Gore): But isn’t the process of submerging food in liquid completely counter to good cooking?
Master: Ahhh, but people have been preparing meat by boiling for centuries. It is only recently that it is considered taboo.
Bigabyte: I have been studying Irish cooking, and discovered the traditional method is to boil food for 17 hours and then to eat it by sucking it through a straw. Irish food is now considered a “cuisine.”
Donnie: Of course as cooking advanced, they didn’t just boil food in water, but added flavor to the water, often in the form of onions, bones, spices, kitchen scraps, whatever was available. They were no longer removing the flavor from the food into the water, but injecting the food with
flavor, much like a marinade.
I (Gore): But this is sacrilege! We should only be injecting food in a natural way with a hypodermic needle.
Master: Let us demonstrate this method of flavor injection by preparing some ribs. My sous chef Ninja Squirrel has made the necessary preparations.
We will use a traditional Irish method, but we will simmer them in a liquid loaded with flavor.
Donnie: Think of this as a hot marinade.
Master: While it is standard to ignore the “flavor injection,” and simply throw water-boiled ribs on the grill with a bit of sauce to char them up a bit, we have evolved considerably: once the ribs have simmered and soaked up this initial flavor injection, we can turn off the heat and give them another flavor boost in the form of a rub. I think the ribs have simmered long enough.
Donnie: The rest of the liquid can be used to mop the food while it is on the pit, further adding to their flavor.
Bigabyte: Alternatively, you can pour it into a glass and use it as a personal flavor injection.
[sounds of disgust from audience]
Donnie: Before we do that, we rub these down with some “Fuzzy” Haskins to give it a burst of flavor. As this video demonstrates, “Fuzzy” Haskins was a fine compliment to George Clinton. After many years working together, “Fuzzy” discovered that he could stand on his own without any Clinton at all. We will use "Fuzzy" Haskins without additional George Clinton, since when they parted ways, "Fuzzy" still carried a bit of George embedded within.
YouTube - parliament - give up the funk
Master: This isn’t just a music video, Donnie, as it actually documents the delivery of vital interplanetary ingredients to Funkmasta Central. If you look very carefully, you can actually see Mr. Big behind the Mothership after the landing.
I (Gore): What?!
Bigabyte: Sounds like some whacky conspiracy theory to me.
Master: That foil hat serves you well as a cover, but in actuality it provides vital life support that you need while living on this planet.
Bigabyte: All so I can take over the world with the mind-control ingredients of Foil Hat Rub I bet [chuckles].
Master: Oh of course you are not the Mastermind of the operation. I have been doing experiments on this rub. What you didn’t account for was the difference in Earth’s gravity that reduces the rubs efficacy on Earth. That is why the plot has not succeeded in all these years. I can show you the results after the show if you’d like.
Bigabyte: uhhhh… yes, that’d be great!
I (Gore): [covers ears and singing] La, la, la, la,… I can’t hear you… la, la, la.
Master: So, after the ribs have been smoked, this time for only an hour on high heat, they are ready for Ninja Squirrel to plate them for us.
Master: And we have tender, smoked ribs that have been injected with flavor, and cooked in only half the time.
Bigabyte: That should rival and best even my crockpot ribs. And the leftover juices make a tasty drink!
Donnie: And you’re probably still wondering how you blew your cover.
Master: Let’s thank our guests. My assistant will now transmorgraphy you back to your homes.
I (Gore): Donnie, now try to clear your mind so you will return to your own body.
Donnie: Sorry Gore, it’s date night with my Hot Wife and I’ve got a few things in mind.
[Bigabyte and Donnie disappear in a puff of blue smoke]
Narrator: This episode of “Cooking with the Master” was brought to you by the BBQ Brethren Throwdown sub-forum found at the top of Q-talk or at
Please join us every week to enter and/or vote for your favorite entry. There are lots of great dishes described in the entry threads. The recipes and views expressed on “Cooking with the Master” do not necessarily represent those of the BBQ Brethren, Gore, Q-Talk, or Ninja Squirrel.
I (Gore): That’s a wrap!