We have just finished filming the latest installment of "Cooking with the Master." Here is the transcript for those interested:
Master: Ladies, Gentlemen, Gooood Eeeeevening! And velcome to "Cooking with the Master," a show about cooking. I ... am the Master! Joined by sous chefs Gore and Ninja Squirrel I vill demonstrate revolutionary advances made in the burger industry….
I (Gore): Excuse me Master, but about our new sous chef? I really need some help with the pits and none of our other sous-chefs can lift a bag of charcoal!
Master: Yes…as Gore reminds me, ve received notice from one of our shorter Human Resource Managers that sous chef Theodore Puppy is too embarrassed to be seen by Brethren throughout the world, so ve have sought a replacement. During last veek’s competition, one of our very own BBQ-Brethren agreed to help us. He lives hundreds of miles away, but my latest invention, the Sous-Transmorgraphier, will hone in on the special tracking device he wears and transport his essence here to assist Gore in the pits. …Gore, flip the switch!
I (Gore): Done, Master!
[Flames and sparks]
Master: Eeeggsellent!... Audience, please velcome Smokey Al Gold!
[Cheers and wild applause from the audience]
Smokey Al Gold: Hi Master, Gore, thanks, it’s great to be here. Cool, I can levitate, but, uh, where’s my body?
Master: Yes, at present ve can only project your head into the studio. I hope you locked yourself securely in a room as instructed. Someone may get a bit of a fright if they find you before I return your head!
[Laughter from audience]
I (Gore): Thank you, Master, for providing … this assistance. Looks like I’ll be working the pits …alone…again.
Master:… I have invented a dish that not only vill revolutionize the burger industry, but also the pizza industry! Soon people everywhere vill be eating out of my hands! This Pizza-Burger vill…
I (Gore): Excuse me Master, but I’m not sure if a “Pizza-Burger” will meet with the approval of Mr. Big. He wears a huge foil hat and controls hundreds of black helicopters. He has already DQ’ed a chicken sandwich, and…
Smokey Al Gold: We’re cool! As long as we’re having fun, then virtually anything goes! So, let’s have some fun!
Master: Precisely! Now as you can see, we roll out the burger and line the bottom of our deep dish pan. I even use special foil-hat seasoning for this one!
Master: We cover this with sauce, cheese and toppings…
I (Gore): sausage, … pepperoni, …
Smokey Al Gold: Chicken thighs?
Master: and of course, … the bacon! No valnuts on this one Ninja Squirrel! Gore, put the pizza in the Primo Oval and adjust the settings for “deep dish.”
I (Gore): Yes, Master!
Master: Now I unveil the product that I vill use to build my Empire and take over the fast-food industry!
Master: As my sous chefs demonstrated, this Pizza-Burger does not have the conventional pizza crust, but a burger crust, replacing the weakest link of the pizza with even more MEAT! Not only does this provide additional comfort and satisfaction for carnivores everywhere, but ve can claim this product to be “Atkins friendly!” Ve vill include this on our diet menu and people vill gorge on this guilt free!
I (Gore): Pure genius, Master!
Master: Soon… the world vill be MINE!
I (Gore): Master, I think I hear helicopters!
Master: Don’t worry, … ve are having fun! Even now, I am constructing my new fast-food Empire that vill….
I (Gore): Master, I think there’s someone at the door!
Suddenly, the door bursts open and men in black uniforms come rushing toward Master. On their uniforms is embroidered “Master’s Pizza-Burger” and “Free Delivery!”
Master: Just in time! Take this to Mr. Big, Overland Park. He said on the phone that he had a coupon, …but tell him this one is on me!
I (Gore): Extra eggplant, Master?
Master: That’s right, Gore.