We interrupt this thread to bring you a special installment of "Cooking with the Master." And now, here ... is the Master!
Master: Ladies, Gentlemen, Gooood Eevening! And welcome to "Cooking with the Master," a show about cooking. I ... am the Master! I am here with my sous-chef Gore to discuss the preparation and cooking of the pork chop. A little background: In a widespread conspiracy, pork producers altered their product, making it leaner and tougher ... like that of shoes, though with slightly less flavor. When I played with my junior chemistry set I remember dining on succulent pork like this:
Master: Alas, that time is almost forgotten. Our colleague Don Marco had to travel thousands of miles to obtain this specimen. Like the poultry suppliers who learned to breed and sell the boneless chicken, pork manufacturers now do the same, selling boneless pork nuggets. One example of these dry tasteless nuggets is shown here:
Master: Gore! Stop salivating on the video equipment.
I (Gore): Sorry Master, I suddenly became very hungry. I will try to eat an extra lunch tomorrow.
Master: To continue, I will explain how to make such pucks palatable. I know there exists controversy to use bone in or bone out. The bones contain the most flavorful meat and it is essential to include the bone to make the chop. However, I have developed a revolutionary technique to infuse this flavor throughout the entire chop and not within just one small bite. The method requires that these bones be removed. Gore, have the bones been removed from the loin?
I (Gore): Yes, Master.
Master: Gore have the bones been seasoned and cooked?
I (Gore): Here are the pictures, Master.
Master: As you can see, while those rubbed and sauced are still waiting for the sauce to thicken, the one with the Korean Kalbi marinade is being pulled:
Master: Gore, have the nuggets been prepared?
I (Gore): They have my Master.
Master: Gore, have you prepared the stuffing with the vital ingredient, a chocolate stout!
I (Gore): I have Master!
Master: Gore have the bones been prepared to turn these tasteless nuggets back into chops?
I (Gore): They have, Master.
Master: Gore, demonstrate to the audience how to stuff the loins with the bones and sausage, thus creating a new hybrid pork chop!
I (Gore): Certainly, Master!
Master: As a fait accompli, demonstrate the bacon weave to keep the stuffing tidy, and show the audience the chops after they have been both smoked and finally grilled. The bacon and sausage keep the chop moist and the bone puts the flavor in the heart of the chop where it can disperse throughout the meat. It is a triumph of BBQ Science!
I (Gore): Yes, Master.
Master: I would have thought that a healthy serving should have satisfied the hungriest laboratory assistants.
I (Gore): Sorry Master.
At this point our filming was interrupted by black helicopters circling outside. While men in dark uniforms descended on nylon ropes, I dove into an ash-bucket. I am afraid Master was not so lucky. While they led him away, I caught a glimpse of "Hormel" on one of the uniforms. While the video equipment was destroyed I managed to save the soundtrack from which I was able to reproduce these notes and retrieved my camera at the bottom of the ashbucket.
Assistant to a Mad BBQ Scientist (and a squirrel): Primo Oval XL, Small Offset, Gasser, Optigrill, UBS
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